the retainer is done, so one more trip to the dentist, and i am outta here! hopefully tonight! i miss my Pupu so bad! and everyone really. i need some time at least around those people that i love so much!
my watch quit on me this morning, so i have to go buy a cheap one. its like, time just quit being time!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
i finally got to talk to my baby boy tonight!!! here is a bit of our lovely conversation!
linds: what were you writing
linds: i was waiting
linds: put it back
linds: you stink
cliff jobe: I have been trying to write this
cliff jobe: hang on
cliff jobe: im not done yet, but here
cliff jobe: linds, i want to spend all my time with you, i want to be able to lay down on our bed and watch a sad movie and be able to cry and hold you in my arms and be comforted by the fact that you will always be with me. I want to be able to hold your hand and walk down the street.
cliff jobe: I want to spend a day outside working in the yard, and come inside and see you smile at me, just thinking about it makes my heart melt
cliff jobe: I have trouble sometimes, i hear a song, or i think about you, and my chest gets tight, my breathing gets slow, and i feel like i might tear up because your not here with me
linds: i feel the same
cliff jobe: i have never felt anything like this linds, i have never felt this way for any of my family, just you
linds: i used to think i felt like this. several times, and i would get emotional, but there i was always holding something back, hangin on for dear life to something, there was no trust, it was all one sided, and i realize that more now than ever
linds: love can be returned and still be unrequited, because if you love someone and they dont love you as much it hurts almost worse than if they didnt love you at all
linds: i used to think it would change. but here, i had a friendship. i had trust, someone i relied on, and i loved you before i liked you. i loved you before i fell in love with you, and i didnt even know i was falling until i hit the ground
linds: people question us, and they always will. some girl in the tent i was talking to yesterday asked me how long we had been together and i lied to her. i feel like i have to make excuses to explain it, because they dont understand the level we see eachother on
linds: im done with that, and thats one reason i want to get married, i want everyone to know that this time its real, and its forever
linds: there is no need for anyone to question me, and there is no reason i should care, because i know whats there. i try not to be affected by peoples reactions and their opinions but its hard.
linds: there is only one that we have to please in this life time, and He, more than we know, knows what we feel
linds: and if we stay on the right track and stop being affected by location and opinion and whether this or that is going to happen, and just communicate with eachother and stop proof reading our thoughts, then we will be perfect
linds: its sucks being away, but we might spend two years apart, that as well as us dying one day, is inevitable, and it only makes it harder if we dont talk about it
linds: everyone is so afraid to talk about death. it happens to everyone and everything
linds: what were you writing
linds: i was waiting
linds: put it back
linds: you stink
cliff jobe: I have been trying to write this
cliff jobe: hang on
cliff jobe: im not done yet, but here
cliff jobe: linds, i want to spend all my time with you, i want to be able to lay down on our bed and watch a sad movie and be able to cry and hold you in my arms and be comforted by the fact that you will always be with me. I want to be able to hold your hand and walk down the street.
cliff jobe: I want to spend a day outside working in the yard, and come inside and see you smile at me, just thinking about it makes my heart melt
cliff jobe: I have trouble sometimes, i hear a song, or i think about you, and my chest gets tight, my breathing gets slow, and i feel like i might tear up because your not here with me
linds: i feel the same
cliff jobe: i have never felt anything like this linds, i have never felt this way for any of my family, just you
linds: i used to think i felt like this. several times, and i would get emotional, but there i was always holding something back, hangin on for dear life to something, there was no trust, it was all one sided, and i realize that more now than ever
linds: love can be returned and still be unrequited, because if you love someone and they dont love you as much it hurts almost worse than if they didnt love you at all
linds: i used to think it would change. but here, i had a friendship. i had trust, someone i relied on, and i loved you before i liked you. i loved you before i fell in love with you, and i didnt even know i was falling until i hit the ground
linds: people question us, and they always will. some girl in the tent i was talking to yesterday asked me how long we had been together and i lied to her. i feel like i have to make excuses to explain it, because they dont understand the level we see eachother on
linds: im done with that, and thats one reason i want to get married, i want everyone to know that this time its real, and its forever
linds: there is no need for anyone to question me, and there is no reason i should care, because i know whats there. i try not to be affected by peoples reactions and their opinions but its hard.
linds: there is only one that we have to please in this life time, and He, more than we know, knows what we feel
linds: and if we stay on the right track and stop being affected by location and opinion and whether this or that is going to happen, and just communicate with eachother and stop proof reading our thoughts, then we will be perfect
linds: its sucks being away, but we might spend two years apart, that as well as us dying one day, is inevitable, and it only makes it harder if we dont talk about it
linds: everyone is so afraid to talk about death. it happens to everyone and everything
somethings are very strange. like using SPAWAR internet. since we are closer to Europe, the internet sites like blogger.com and google.com come up in Deutch (doytch) :)
luckily, these strange instances will end shortly because I will no longer be closer to Europe than the US. I will be in the United States (well kinda, I guess Hawaii counts). I will be driving around, and spending time on the beach, and sleeping late on Saturdays, and surrounding myself with people that mean so much to me.
I have actually been pretty down latly. here is most of an email I wrote to Clifford yesterday.
I am feeling depressed though, and I think I know what it is. I need to be surrounded by good company. I need to go to church with friendly people that I know and don't feel like I am surrounded by people without faith. A lot of times at Ohana(the church at FOB Warrior), I feel like I am senior in my faith. (I am not trying to be holier then thou, just listen). I need to be around people who have stronger faith then I do. They need to surround me. That is how I felt at Trinity, and I can't wait to feel that again. REAL people. Not soldiers who like to just go to church, or music, but real deep faith. Not saying that everyone at Ohana isn't real, but you know? I understand there are going to be people like that, but those who never seem to stray, families that are all about love and God, honest people who give their hearts to others; that is who I need right now. I know for a fact that i am going to cry my heart out when I finally get to be surrounded by them. I miss them, and I hardly know most of them. I can't wait to be one of those families Cliff. One that is dedicated and involved and when people come to church, new or old, or young, or anything, they will feel welcomed when they see us. They will say, there are the Jobes. And we will invite people into our home no matter what it looks like, and just have loving people surrounding us constantly, and pour out our love to those who hurt or just want to be loved around us. I cant wait to go into Trinity, and be welcomed back. I cant wait to have dinner with Amanda and Will, and thank Mel and Sally in person for taking my stuff TO THEIR HOUSE in the middle of a deployment. This is my intended purpose in life- To love. And No one here really wants it. There are few friendly people in the army, most people are too afraid or ashamed or stressed or busy, and when you love like I do, and your whole body and soul wants to give love and show love, and no one is there to accept it, it hurts. When i tell you that my heart hurts, it's because you are the only one that I can pour it all over and it hurts because there is so much backed up in there.
So all of this, and I need to cry. I have a lot of crying to do. I'm a cryer. I'll cry at the wedding (Joann's and ours), I'll cry at church, I'll cry when I see the family, and at christmas, and new years and hopefully I'll get it all out. I'm just warning you in advance. I have a lot of crying to do.
So that was yesterday afternoon. Immediatly after that I went to eat dinner and strolled over to the Air Force Chapel. I knew there was a Bible Study, but I wasn't really sure what it was about. Well I went, and it was just what I needed. It was already an answered prayer. The Lord was laying that on my heart and fufilled it immediatly. Not saying that one Bible Study took my hurt away, but it helped smooth it out. Also the service this morning was great. I do not have my notes to quote from it, but I will later. I cannot wait til I can write in this daily. (if i ever can).
Fear robs us of the promises of God, because fear means we are actually putting faith in that which opposes what God has promised.
luckily, these strange instances will end shortly because I will no longer be closer to Europe than the US. I will be in the United States (well kinda, I guess Hawaii counts). I will be driving around, and spending time on the beach, and sleeping late on Saturdays, and surrounding myself with people that mean so much to me.
I have actually been pretty down latly. here is most of an email I wrote to Clifford yesterday.
I am feeling depressed though, and I think I know what it is. I need to be surrounded by good company. I need to go to church with friendly people that I know and don't feel like I am surrounded by people without faith. A lot of times at Ohana(the church at FOB Warrior), I feel like I am senior in my faith. (I am not trying to be holier then thou, just listen). I need to be around people who have stronger faith then I do. They need to surround me. That is how I felt at Trinity, and I can't wait to feel that again. REAL people. Not soldiers who like to just go to church, or music, but real deep faith. Not saying that everyone at Ohana isn't real, but you know? I understand there are going to be people like that, but those who never seem to stray, families that are all about love and God, honest people who give their hearts to others; that is who I need right now. I know for a fact that i am going to cry my heart out when I finally get to be surrounded by them. I miss them, and I hardly know most of them. I can't wait to be one of those families Cliff. One that is dedicated and involved and when people come to church, new or old, or young, or anything, they will feel welcomed when they see us. They will say, there are the Jobes. And we will invite people into our home no matter what it looks like, and just have loving people surrounding us constantly, and pour out our love to those who hurt or just want to be loved around us. I cant wait to go into Trinity, and be welcomed back. I cant wait to have dinner with Amanda and Will, and thank Mel and Sally in person for taking my stuff TO THEIR HOUSE in the middle of a deployment. This is my intended purpose in life- To love. And No one here really wants it. There are few friendly people in the army, most people are too afraid or ashamed or stressed or busy, and when you love like I do, and your whole body and soul wants to give love and show love, and no one is there to accept it, it hurts. When i tell you that my heart hurts, it's because you are the only one that I can pour it all over and it hurts because there is so much backed up in there.
So all of this, and I need to cry. I have a lot of crying to do. I'm a cryer. I'll cry at the wedding (Joann's and ours), I'll cry at church, I'll cry when I see the family, and at christmas, and new years and hopefully I'll get it all out. I'm just warning you in advance. I have a lot of crying to do.
So that was yesterday afternoon. Immediatly after that I went to eat dinner and strolled over to the Air Force Chapel. I knew there was a Bible Study, but I wasn't really sure what it was about. Well I went, and it was just what I needed. It was already an answered prayer. The Lord was laying that on my heart and fufilled it immediatly. Not saying that one Bible Study took my hurt away, but it helped smooth it out. Also the service this morning was great. I do not have my notes to quote from it, but I will later. I cannot wait til I can write in this daily. (if i ever can).
Fear robs us of the promises of God, because fear means we are actually putting faith in that which opposes what God has promised.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
it's been a while
i sit here, on Clifford's computer, wishing we were together. also wishing that we were together in the states. somewhere where we could walk around, holding hands, leaning on eachother, knowing that we didn't have to hide our love for eachother. currently he is at another location. i don't know how i function without him. how could i have ever thought that the love i felt was true love. this is the first relationship that i have been in that involves trust. trust. 100%. it is amazing. i can't wait to share the rest of my life with him. i wish that i could put into words how it feels to know for sure about something.
time is moving. it won't be long now. i thank God for my life and what He has been showing me. He is amazing.
time is moving. it won't be long now. i thank God for my life and what He has been showing me. He is amazing.
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